Friday, April 3, 2009
Short Rant
Just a short rant because I really should be working on a philosophy paper that was due forever ago. I talked to my sister last night about a lot of things and it helped. I wrote in my last post that I leave to go back to the states in a week. Today makes it less than a week. I am still scared of going home because Im not sure what it's going to be like but after talking to her for an hour I realized I'm excited to see my family and it will be nice. Ideally I would love to just go visit the family for a month or less and then return to Rome but I dont think thats an option so for now I will have to settle with looking forward to family, friends, and making some much needed money.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
The End is Near!
I've been in Rome for the past three months. I leave in a week and I'm scared shitless. There is so much to say about my life. At the moment I am supposed to be writing a paper for a philosophy class. Unfortunately I come a long line of procrastinators, it's in my blood, I can't help it. I am terrified to leave Rome. I love it here. I have finally found what my ex would call "my happy place". I'm sure this blog will soon contain more about him than anyone cares to know as well as my recent experiences in this beautiful city which I will one day call home for good.
Were do I start? I came to Rome after two weeks of agonizing pain. I had spent a few days in NYC with some friends. Upon my return within ten minutes of stepping out of my car my boyfriend of two and a half years promptly dumped me. It was a classic, shameless episode in which he proceeded to tell me all the cliche lines. I got a "it's not you it's me." "I think we should just be friends." The second one was actually spoken out loud, the first was more of an implied. I being an idiot thought it was all a joke. I actually laughed when he said this. In order to fully understand my reaction I guess I should explain that yes we were young 20 & 22 but we had planned a life together and talks of engagement in the near future (when I graduated in spring of 2010)were common placed. The previous two years were amazing. We had never taken a break, we never broke up but decided to stay together. We talked through every issue we had ever had. That's why when he said he was unhappy I was shocked. I had no idea he was feeling this way and I could not for the life of my comprehend why he was breaking up with me and not trying to talk through it. We never fought much but looking back toward the end little arguments were becoming common placed.
So any way I got dumped and my heart was broken beyond repair. I never saw it coming. I just assumed if this ever ended that I would be the one doing the breaking up because I wanted to go out and fully live. I was a wreck. I couldn't sleep unless sedated. I didn't want to brush my teeth or comb my hair but after a day or two I did. I refused to change my clothes. I cried non stop. All the crying made me so tired that I stopped being able to eat and then after not eating it hurt my stomach to eat. He tried to reassure me that it would get better. That I would feel better about it. The truth is he was partially right. I was able to finally change me clothes. That day came when I left for Rome. Rome was my salvation. My light at the end of the tunnel. I put over 4,000 miles between me and the guy I loved but who didnt love me back (or at least not in that way anymore he says). It was liberating. I found myself and Italian lover to ease the lonely nights but in the end I still miss my ex. He already moved on after less than two months. I never will know if he cheated. I know it sounds shitty because Im already sleeping with someone else but the Italian and I arent together. Through my broken Italian and his broken English we have come to an agreement that this ends when I leave and it is just fun. My ex on the other hand has chosen just one girl to be with. A prospective girlfriend, if she isnt that already. I want to stop loving him. He has caused me too much pain. I cant seem to bring myself to hate him. I miss the old me. The me before I met him. I was so strong and so independent. I have become docile. I've become the girl I have always hated. The one that was obsessed with her boyfriend while they were together and when they broke up she couldnt get over it. I've tried the whole getting under someone else to get over someone. Ill be the first to say it just doesnt work but it does help.
Were do I start? I came to Rome after two weeks of agonizing pain. I had spent a few days in NYC with some friends. Upon my return within ten minutes of stepping out of my car my boyfriend of two and a half years promptly dumped me. It was a classic, shameless episode in which he proceeded to tell me all the cliche lines. I got a "it's not you it's me." "I think we should just be friends." The second one was actually spoken out loud, the first was more of an implied. I being an idiot thought it was all a joke. I actually laughed when he said this. In order to fully understand my reaction I guess I should explain that yes we were young 20 & 22 but we had planned a life together and talks of engagement in the near future (when I graduated in spring of 2010)were common placed. The previous two years were amazing. We had never taken a break, we never broke up but decided to stay together. We talked through every issue we had ever had. That's why when he said he was unhappy I was shocked. I had no idea he was feeling this way and I could not for the life of my comprehend why he was breaking up with me and not trying to talk through it. We never fought much but looking back toward the end little arguments were becoming common placed.
So any way I got dumped and my heart was broken beyond repair. I never saw it coming. I just assumed if this ever ended that I would be the one doing the breaking up because I wanted to go out and fully live. I was a wreck. I couldn't sleep unless sedated. I didn't want to brush my teeth or comb my hair but after a day or two I did. I refused to change my clothes. I cried non stop. All the crying made me so tired that I stopped being able to eat and then after not eating it hurt my stomach to eat. He tried to reassure me that it would get better. That I would feel better about it. The truth is he was partially right. I was able to finally change me clothes. That day came when I left for Rome. Rome was my salvation. My light at the end of the tunnel. I put over 4,000 miles between me and the guy I loved but who didnt love me back (or at least not in that way anymore he says). It was liberating. I found myself and Italian lover to ease the lonely nights but in the end I still miss my ex. He already moved on after less than two months. I never will know if he cheated. I know it sounds shitty because Im already sleeping with someone else but the Italian and I arent together. Through my broken Italian and his broken English we have come to an agreement that this ends when I leave and it is just fun. My ex on the other hand has chosen just one girl to be with. A prospective girlfriend, if she isnt that already. I want to stop loving him. He has caused me too much pain. I cant seem to bring myself to hate him. I miss the old me. The me before I met him. I was so strong and so independent. I have become docile. I've become the girl I have always hated. The one that was obsessed with her boyfriend while they were together and when they broke up she couldnt get over it. I've tried the whole getting under someone else to get over someone. Ill be the first to say it just doesnt work but it does help.
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